My Mental Health Recovery Story (Shorter Version)

The following piece is the mental health recovery story I drafted in my Certified Peer Specialist class with Kiva Centers.

This is a condensed version of my full story, since we were limited to 5 minutes in the interest of time and because for some class members, this would be their first time sharing their stories.

I felt lucky to take this class with Kiva’s phenomenal instructors, who helped us refine our stories so we could tell them in an impactful and recovery-focused way.

By the way, “recovery” can have different meanings for different people. Since I know many people who are in recovery from substance use, I used to hear the word recovery and automatically think, “sobriety.”

But now I know that recovery is however you define it for yourself and can be ongoing.

And with that, I’ll take the digital stage.

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One day, during middle school choir practice, I experienced heart palpitations. I didn’t know what was happening and felt like I was going to die. My mother took me to the doctor to get some tests done, but everything came back normal. We didn’t know it then, but I’d just had my first panic attack.

Me around the time I had my first panic attack.

Around that time, my older brother was struggling with substance use and it led to some turbulent times in our household. It made me anxious because things at home sometimes felt unpredictable. It also made me sad because some of my family members were arguing. I loved them all and just wanted everyone to get along.

Me with my parents.

When I reached high school and college, I had incredible bursts of energy and productivity followed by periods of sadness and isolation. I also experienced anger. Some people called me “crazy,” and “psycho,” which made me feel ashamed.

I used substances to cope with my anxiety when I was around people. I thought alcohol helped me become more social, but it affected my grades and put me in risky situations. I dropped out of college after a traumatic time my senior year.

Me while I was a student at UMass Amherst.

A few years ago, my Mum died suddenly. I had to make the end-of-life decision for her after nurses attempted CPR on her for 20 minutes. It made me feel numb and I didn’t process my grief in a healthy way. I used substances to escape because it was easier than dealing with my feelings.

Me with Mum a couple years before she died.

About a year later, I lost two jobs after experiencing workplace discrimination and abuse. My career was decimated and I felt like I had no future, or that the future I imagined was stolen from me. After that happened, I began smoking weed and drinking constantly. I didn’t even want another job because of what happened.

Me soon after I lost the second job and was experiencing suicidal thoughts and nihilism.

Later on, my cat Sandy was diagnosed with cancer, which eventually led to making another end-of-life decision for someone I loved. She was my mental health companion and was there for me after my Mum died. My marriage was also falling apart because I was so depressed.

Me and Sandy.

So many bad things happened to me in a row that I waited for what I ominously called, “The Death Blow.” That’s where the pandemic came in.

I took a job at a grocery store because I didn’t want to work in an office again and was now considered an essential worker. I expected to die from COVID-19 and didn’t care, because so many bad things had happened and I had no hope for the future.

Me at the store.

Toward the end of 2020, I was in a bad place. My husband was worried about me and I knew I needed help. I entered a partial hospitalization program at a place I heard good things about. It’s a program for people who aren’t in immediate crisis where they can attend five group therapy sessions a day and meet with a social worker, therapist, and psychiatrist.

What I learned there set me on the path toward recovery. I learned about how to better manage my bipolar disorder, anxiety, and trauma. My husband took time to learn how he could best support me, and both my mental health and marriage improved. I also learned about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which helped me identify my values and live them.

My husband and I.

During the program, I realized I had trauma from grief and the pandemic that I needed to process. I also learned that I was on the wrong path career-wise. I was going after money and status instead of living my values. Through my recovery, I’ve developed a lot of resilience. I didn’t realize how strong I was until I overcame the challenges in my path.

To maintain wellness, it helps me to check in with friends and family each day so I feel more connected. I’ve also learned to find humor in everyday life, which boosts my mood. Journaling helps me too, because I can share my feelings and process what’s going on in my head. I’ve shared stories on my website to raise awareness about mental health and help others feel less alone.

Me with my other biggest supporter, Rocky.

I recently embarked on a new career path as a Peer Specialist and now work at the hospital that helped me. I feel like I’m finally doing work that’s meaningful to me and that my coworkers value me for who I am. I love meeting people there and learning their stories. The work is spiritually fulfilling and helps me feel connected to my Mum, who spent her life supporting others in her work with the elderly.

Me with Mum at my high school graduation.

Now, I’m excited to be alive again. I feel like I have a great future ahead of me, instead of believing I’d die young because of my mental health struggles. I’m working on writing a memoir about how I went from not wanting to be here during the pandemic to embracing joy again.

My main focus now is raising awareness about mental health and addressing things around us that can affect it, like workplaces, systems, and upsetting events in our lives.

You’re not alone, and I believe that together we can build a society that fosters wellness for all.

Yay health!